12 Principles for Resolving Conflict
“I accept your apology,” she would announce, with that ready, wry smile. It was my mother’s way of ending a conflict where she knew she had been wronged but where an apology apparently was not quickly, or perhaps ever, forthcoming. I learned early that conflicts don’t always end in a neatly tied bow. Sometimes apologies are never offered nor forgiveness ever granted, and the healing of wounds takes time, but I am forever thankful for mom’s humor and grace in those moments.
I’m not quite sure where ever I got the notion that conflict would be rare within the church or Christian family. I guess I thought a truly godward church or truly godward family would be more immune. Christ followers are to be set apart in many ways, though the absense of conflict is not necessarily one. We do have clear directives regarding how we are to address those conflicts however. I’ve spent considerable time pouring over Paul’s letters to the churches in scripture in the past couple of years, only to be astonished afresh at how transparently and shamelessly he addresses continual, (sometimes rather shocking) conflicts within each fellowship. No matter how godward in some areas we become in this earthly, Christian life, none of us gets to graduate to what my daughter, Mary, jokingly refers to as, the Christian “varsity team.” For, as she reminds, there is no varsity team. Clearly today, we continue to struggle with the same enemies Paul addressed, both of inward, individual sin and spiritual forces without.
A gathering of humans cannot coexist without inevitable, regular conflict, though most of us hate the pain, anger, hurt or rejection conflict invariably accompanies. In those vulnerable moments, it is hard to see how such painful things can ultimately make us more fruitful. But in all honesty, when I reflect on past experiences, I see that well-resolved conflict has brought growth of many sorts, deepening my own ability to forgive, practice humility, trust and Christ-likeness. Our large family of once eleven, (now twenty) has had its share of conflicts. At one point, while struggling with my conflict anxiety and grasping for some direction from God, I wrote this list of a dozen principles. Numerous times I have read it over to myself before entering a conflict discussion. On several occasions I have even read it aloud to opposing parties, before moderating a conflict. Reviewing these principles and taking them to heart has helped me to rightly orient and renew my mind when faced with a new, looming conflict conversation. The reality and weight of divisions and conflict within our churches, families and culture seems at an all time high, which leads me to share this list here today. I realize people write books on this topic, so I’ve nothing earth shattering, but a few solid bits of guidance from God’s word I’ve found helpful. Perhaps you, as well as I, could use their brief reminders in the coming week.
1-Pray for God’s perspective, while meditating on His word. Make sure your purpose in pursing discussion over a conflict is restoration, not condemnation. Take care to ensure that your purpose in meeting and discussing a conflict is to bring about what God would desire. Keep in mind God’s sovereignty over your story, and also the place you have in His bigger purposes, through the situation, beyond this moment and particular conflict. Define and state your purpose as you come together to discuss your conflict. Do you desire to better understand or love the other person? Is your purpose to be enabled to forgive? Is it to bring reconcilliation and Christlikeness? Or are you just hoping to express your anger and frustration? (Romans 8:1,28, 12:1-2)
2-There is no one-sided winner or loser in conflict resolution. You either both win or both lose. Holding a win/lose mindset is not helpful or true. Think back to any time you felt you “won” a conflict by crushing your opponent (perhaps a spouce, sibling or friend), did those feelings of victory truly last? No, affirm the relationship (“you matter to me”) and seek to win-win.
3-Refrain from words like “you always” or “you never.” Those are unfair and untrue phrases. (Eph. 4:15)
4- Deal with one situation at a time. Conflict is complex. Bringing up numerous topics or shifting topics mid conversation makes resolution of each more confusing, frustrating and complicated.
5-Deal with any offense in a timely manner. Often it is best to overlook an offense and move on (with forgiveness), but it is unblibical and unChristlike to hold onto a growing list or record of wrongs, and gives Satan a foothold into your life and relationship. If someone has offended you and you are unable to overlook it, but need to discuss the offense in order to forgive, do your best to speak to them soon. The same is true if you recognize you have offended another person…go to them immediately to apologize, ask for forgiveness and resolve it. The bible says that when we are angry, we should talk it out “before the sun goes down,” which means that day or as soon as possible. If it is late in the day, you may need to simply say, “We need to talk about [XYZ] tomorrow when we’ll both be calmer and rested and able to talk more rationally. I care about you and am eager to resolve this with you.” Then set a time to actually discuss it. (Eph. 4:26, Prov. 19:11, 1 Cor. 13:5)
6-Fully forgive. Sharing forgiveness is one of the most God-like characteristics you can emulate. Remember Jesus? He forgave his enemies, while hanging on the cross, before any repentance or apologies were made. Remember him, and what he has done for you, and how you didn’t deserve his forgivness either. Forgiveness does not require the other person to apologize…reconciliation does, not forgiveness. Granting forgiveness is for your own emotional and spiritual health and freedom as much as the one needing your forgiveness. Once a conflict has been resolved, where both sides have gained understanding, apologies were made, and forgiveness sought and granted – do NOT bring those past offences up again, either in your mind or conversations or future conflicts. They are resolved and forgiven. You may need time to rebuild trust, but not bring up past, resolved offences. When tempted to rehash old offenses, instead, rehearse God’s goodness to you. Take the opportunity to shore up and strengthen your will to take control over your thought life. As Paul says to the Corinthians, take those thoughts “captive” to the obedience of Christ. Remember how thankful we are that Christ-like forgiveness is forever. Remember also, however, that forgiveness does not equal trust or closeness. Those take time to rebuild – sometimes a very long time. (Eph. 4:30-32, 2 Cor. 10:5, Matthew 18:35)
7- Listen, listen, listen… actively, carefully speaking gentle, respectful words in tones and with actions that build up and not tear down. If reconciliation is the goal, gentleness will make you more winsome. Obviously this is easier said than done, and this takes prayer, meditating on God’s word and help from the Holy Spirit, but this is the goal and this is possible. Be open to listening and learning, not just expressing your own opinions. (James 1:19, 2 Peter 1:3, Eph. 4:29, Prov. 15:1)
8- Give the other party the benefit of the doubt. You don’t know another’s thoughts or motives, even if you think you may. Don’t assume the worst. This is especially important to keep in mind if the other person has previously offended you. Once a relationsip breakdown has occurred, it is easy to be tempted to view everything they do with suspicion. Realize this is a temptation and resist it. Speak to them afresh, if you feel a new offense has occurred which cannot be overlooked and easily forgiven. (1 Cor. 13:4-8)
9-Use direct communication in conflicts, but privately and again, with gentleness. There are some few, rare exceptions, but generally, public correction or correction in front of others, adds to hurt. Speak face to face or by phone if necessary. Refrain from addressing conflicts via text, social media, or in passive round-about ways. Requesting input or opinions over social media or other conversations regarding a personal conflict with another is a form of gossip or slander and becomes destructive and hurtful, even when specific names are not necessarily revealed. Remember that relational principles for godly communication do also pertain to social media posts (this seems often, strangely forgotten). Bring a respected third party in after the direct option has been tried and failed (as laid out in Matthew 18), but refrain from gossiping or sharing your frustrations with others first. Rather, go directly to the person involved. (Matthew 18, Galatians 6:1)
10- Avoid unhealthy communication methods. There is no place for aggression, revenge, lying, hiding the truth, or manipulation (trying through unhealthy words, threats, or behaviors to pressure another to bend to your will or feel guilt). Sarcasm, joking or teasing at another’s expense is hurtful bullying, and not truly fun or funny. We want to be a place and people who feel safe, supported and loved, even with our weaknesses and quirks. (Col. 3:12-14, Prov. 6:16-17, Romans 12:9-12)
11-Accept responsibility for your part, however small. Every conflict has many sides and perspectives. People are complex. Though there are a few exceptions (as in the case of abuse, for example), usually BOTH parties in a conflict share some responsibility. Rarely are poor responses lone. Accept your share, however small, and eliminate the concept of blame or the winner/loser model (as mentioned in principle #2). Spend that energy instead on proposing solutions.
12- Beware of expectations. Expectations crush relationships. Only God is able to meet all of your desires and needs perfectly. He is enough. Everyone else, in any long-term relaionship, will eventually disappoint. Examine your heart to see if you are looking to another to satisfy what only God can and ought. Work to accept people for who they are, lovingly encouraging them toward growth in Christ, but not pressuring, rejecting, or evaluating and comparing them to others or an ideal of who you want them to be or what you want them to do for you. This is not love. This is manipulation. A lot of conflicts and hurt can arise from this mistake. We all wish to be known and patiently loved for who we are, by people who patiently help us to find and look to the only One who can truly renew and perfect our hearts and give us lasting satisfaction, love, reconciliation and peace. That One, is Jesus. (Col. 3:12-17, Col. 1:14-20)
Thanks be to God,
Anne
Blog Archive - Original Post October 2020